


Affirmations and Protestations: "Fluff and Angst" Prompts

by fragilevixen



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, Ficlet, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Prompt Fic, RST, Romance, Tumblr Prompt, UST, multi-chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2019-10-01 05:01:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17237876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilevixen/pseuds/fragilevixen
Summary: These are individual chapters for the short/ficlet prompts on Tumblr - keep checking back, I try to update as they come.





	1. You Weren't Supposed to Hear That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thinking out loud is never good for anyone, especially when the words are heard by the person that you weren’t ready to say them to. (Post Milagro)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short work prompt from the Tumblr Angst/Fluff list:
> 
> 5\. “Don’t you love me?”  
> 61\. “Did you need something?”  
> 77\. “We’re meant for each other.”
> 
> Bear with me, I've NEVER written a short piece OR a quick prompt -- be gentle.

* * *

 

                Mulder had been staring at the wall for an hour, the stale air in the office comingling with the potent odor of the drowned, heavily diluted coffee that he had been consuming for the past two hours. He didn’t know why he was here this early but he was as the dark office, lit only by the stagnant, bitter white light of the emptied slideshow, aimed at the opposite wall. He had already kicked over the wastebasket and sprawled the contents across the floor, flipped it off twice before huffing into the chair, the squeal loud under his ass. He exhaled again, glancing at the enormous pile of paperwork, and contemplated accidentally shoving the heel of his shoe against it until it unceremoniously toppled onto the floor but he decided against it over the work of re-categorizing all of it.

                “I hope she takes a sick day—I don’t want to be around me and I am me,” Mulder flicked a well sharpened pencil into the air, letting it join the graveyard of others above his head. “I should call her, tell her I’m going home. She’s going to think I’m a lunatic and…shoe…fits…wear it.”

                He leaned his head back, feeling every vertebrae in his neck pop while his eyes closed and grimaced as the flashes of Scully half between death and life on his living room floor, blood soaked across her linen button down, absent of wounds, crashed through him all over again like a well-placed left hook. He felt his heart sink, stomach drop, and the only moment that mattered was getting to her—even if it was the last time he could. He felt it all over again as her arms clung to him, refused to let go, and he wanted, so badly, just to ask her to stay that night but he didn’t. He chickened out like he had too many times before. He could still smell her perfume mixing unpleasantly with the metallic odor of blood and choked backed the tears for a third time in under two days, inhaling pride as he opened his eyes to bring himself back to reality.

                Back to being completely alone in their office that he had damn near destroyed in under two hours.

                “Agent Scully is already in love,” Mulder white knuckled the desk, both hands pulling the chair forward as he sprang up to a fully upright position, staring at the coat she had forgotten yesterday. “I’ve been holding back the words to protect the one person that could’ve benefited from hearing them but God dammit, I don’t know how long I can keep doing it. We’re meant for each other. There, I said it…to the coffee cup…in the empty office...”

                Mulder nearly knocked the half full cup of coffee across the open file in front of him as he let out a frustrated grunt and stood.

                “Jesus Christ, I _am_ a loser,” Mulder growled and pushed the top drawer of the filing cabinet shut, practically toppling it over.

                His emotions were bouncing together; the frustration building, the sadness eagerly smothering any hope of optimism, and the passion was burning like a waiting ember in the middle of a dying fire. There wasn’t any way around it anymore and Mulder knew it; he was in love with Scully and the blossoming fear, the Mulder insecurity that seemed to be the worst of his habits, was that she was in love with someone else. He swallowed hard and took a swig of the coffee, settling back down into his chair with a significantly softer touch this time, sighing from his knees to his lips.

                “Mulder?” Scully’s halfway meek voice from the doorway had him virtually leaping straight out of his skin and his chair as he looked up at her, wide eyed.

                “Oh, hey, Scully…” His voice cracked as he finally caught fate’s cruel hand slipping a case of clumsiness into his bones, deftly tipping the quarter of a cup of cold coffee straight onto his lap. “Did you need something?”

                _Oh, you’re a moron…do you need something? Yeah, she needs you to get a clue, coffee crotch._ Mulder winced as he reached for the box of tissues and started dabbing at the half cold puddle wet spot across his pants, forcing a smile as he looked over at her.

                Scully had her lip held hostage between her teeth as she glanced around the room at the melee that had been laid waste to the office she had halfway organized the week earlier. “I think the question is…do _you_ need something? What did you do?”

                Mulder thought he was in the clear as he watched Scully picking up the trash bin and the pile of paper that looked like a crop circle around it, as he continued to deal with his wet pants. “I got into a fight with that earlier…I won.”

                “Oh yeah, it looks like it,” Scully rolled her eyes as she brought the black bin back to the proper position and started putting the discarded, used tissues in it as she bridged the gap between them, exhilarating all of his senses with the familiar scent of her perfume. “You’re not a loser, Mulder.”

                Mulder felt his anxiety rising in his chest as he put the now empty cup on the desk along with the box of tissues before averting his eyes toward the floor, thoroughly embarrassed with himself. “You weren’t supposed to hear that…but now that you did, how much did you hear?”

                “Making a comment with enormity and profoundness like you did is the equivalency of professing because you did it when the person it was meant for wasn’t actually present to hear the words,” Scully was full of gumption and determination as she stared him down, bringing his gaze back to hers as she continued. “Unless that was your intention, to never actually mean it.”

                “Scully, don’t put me on the spot like that,” Mulder was back pedaling and knew how much it was frustrating her as he watched her blink slowly, in disbelief.

                “I’m not putting you on the spot, Mulder, but if you meant what you said when you didn’t think I was listening it shouldn’t be this difficult to just say it,” Scully put a little distance between them as she leaned against the front of the shorter stack of filing cabinets. “I mean…Don’t you love me?”

                “I, uh—” Mulder was caught off guard and cut off by Scully’s next series of words as she leaned over, her mouth dangerously close to his ear.

                “Padgett made that comment about me already being in love because he made an observation about me that I hadn’t faced yet,” Scully gave Mulder’s hand a light squeeze and made eye contact. “Here, in this mess you’ve made, I’ll be bold enough to tell you that he was right…and it’s you, it’s been you.”

                Mulder smirked and slid his free hand across the top of hers, gliding his fingertips across her skin as he took a deep breath. “Since I already feel like an incredible ass, yeah, I do…I love you and I’ll tell you later for how long because it’s more embarrassing than getting caught talking to myself.”

                “Mulder, I catch you doing that more often than you think,” Scully winked at him and placed a light kiss on his forehead before glancing at her watch. “Neither of us really have to be here for another two hours…want to go get breakfast with me?”

                “Yeah, I know of a place,” Mulder got up from his chair and slipped his fingers around her hand, pulling her close for a moment as both looked at one another, hearts and souls aligned. “I’d like one thing before we go.”

                “What’s that?” Scully thumbed his cheek, wiping the remnants of coffee from his skin in the process as she felt his left hand slid across the small of her back.

                Mulder found solace in her presence, in the purity of her boldness in spite of how much of a risk it was for both of them, and in hearing that she was, indeed, in love with him just as he was in love with her. He contemplated her for only a moment before drawing her up to her tiptoes, coming to that stage where light meets dark, passion meets heart, fate meets destiny. Scully’s eyes fluttered shut as she allowed him in, reveling in his kiss as they both knew that turning back was no longer an option, or even necessary, as an unintended confession gave them something new to look forward to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me loves - this one was weird for me to write and I have no idea if I failed or succeeded at this short prompt/fic-let thing


	2. Shout!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saturday morning and Scully needs to make a solo trip to the grocery store, leaving Mulder alone with their seven month old baby girl, Katie—what could possibly go wrong? What could Scully come home to? (Takes place in EARLY Spring)
> 
> Post Season Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 19\. “How are you feeling today?”  
> 61\. “Did you need something?”
> 
> Angst/Fluff Prompt from Valerie (@Kyouryokusenshi) – I so hope you love it

9:15 AM

The Unremarkable House

 

                “I left a note on the fridge with emergency numbers just in case, for any reason, you can’t get a hold of me while I’m out,” Scully’s voice was unusually frantic as she feverishly wiped the remnants of spit up off of her collar while gathering her coat. “She’s been fed, burped, and changed…the only thing she might need is a nap?”

                “Katie Mulder, I don’t think she trusts us by ourselves,” Mulder was on the edge of the couch, half bouncing the cherubic, pink cheeked, auburn locked doll with shockingly hazel eyes on his knee while she squealed and kicked her legs wildly in response, giving her that questioning stare. “My God, Scully, you’re just going to the store…not leaving for a week.”

                Scully pursed her lips together as she tilted her head, looking at his already stained with pumpkin banana carrot baby food tee shirt, before rolling her eyes at the identical, quizzical expression from Katie as she drooled onto three of her fingers in her mouth. “Don’t give me that look; you’re supposed to be on my side, young lady.”

                “Nope, while you are gone, iron lungs and I are going to destroy the living room and blame it on the cat,” Mulder was completely in love with her chubby, perfectly rounded cheeks even though he knew she’d eventually lose them as he gave each a quick kiss, much to her chagrin, as she wailed in his ear. “You’re worse than your mother.”

                “Mulder, we don’t have a cat and I thought you liked it,” Scully smirked and slid her purse strap across her shoulder, pulling him close for a loving kiss while the precocious infant managed to coil all of her fingers around her pinky, squeezing it tightly until she looked down at her between them. “Well, hello, my love…did you need something?”

                “She needs Mommy to stop being neurotic and get her buns to the store so she can come back and watch a movie with us on this lovely Saturday,” Mulder adjusted his grip on Katie’s backside and coaxed a loud snort and giggle combination in the process as he tickled her perfect little rolls on her side. “Isn’t that right, little one?”

                Katie’s highly responsive babbling was perfectly timed, complete with the shimmer of drool down the center of her bottom lip and chin that only highlighted her rounded features, and where she got each one—the hair from her Mother, the eyes from her Father, the nose that seemed to bridge the gap between both in the sweetest of ways, and the hint of pink along her nose and cheeks that foretold a story of her future freckles. Scully took a deep breath as her eyes hovered over the man who had held her heart for so long and the little mystery that arrived out of their love, regretfully missing the boy that had once been situated comfortably between them like a missing puzzle piece that had been found. It was bittersweet as she could still remember him tinier than her, snuggled in a blue blanket and milk-drunk, the powder scent of his skin against his little fingers as she snuck a quick smooch.

                She didn’t want to dwell on the fairness of not raising him—of Mulder not raising him.

                Scully was truly conflicted in her soul as she felt that little sting in her heart that her nearly perfect family picture was missing one of the members and she could still feel his presence like a feather gliding across the back of her neck. The sadness was always met with a little bit of happiness, however, as she always seemed to feel the reassurance that it wasn’t the last time she’d see him or be able to put her arms around her son—in spite of what had been told to her, to them, he belonged to them and he came from love, from a loving place. He was loved and it wasn’t just by the family that held him the first time he fell off of his bicycle or flunked a test, it was by the two people that risked their lives to try, to love him, even if it was only for the most fleeting of moments that they couldn’t hold onto for long enough.

                They both knew it, in their heart…and somehow, she knew that he felt it, too, wherever he was at any given moment of the day.

                Mulder reached out and squeezed her hand, knowing exactly where her mind had wandered off to and winked at her as she forced a smile out and held the tears back like she had been doing far too much as of late. “You’re thinking about him again…I am, too. It’s ok to miss him and hope that he’ll change his mind. I do it at least twice a day.”

                “Once in the morning and once as sleep starts to catch you,” Scully wiped her eyes and looked at her watch, sniffling a little as she laid a little kiss on Katie’s pristine forehead, taking a moment to get a whiff of that vanilla crème and baby bath scent that before meeting Mulder’s loving gaze. “I better get going so I can get back in time before you two go setting fire to the house.”

                “Love you,” Mulder pulled Katie close and offered her a toy while his eyes were on Scully as she stood in the doorway for an extra moment.

                Scully could still see the man in the basement office from twenty-six years earlier as she grinned at him, holding the loveliest product of so much passion in his arms to remind her of why it was all worth it. “Love you…both of you.”

 

 

10:20 AM

 

                Mulder’s parenting skills were definitely being put to the test as Katie’s first tooth was completely rearing its ugly head within thirty minutes of Scully walking out of the door. He knew she was slightly behind the average baby in terms of timing but had hoped that maybe, just maybe, that the iron lungs were going to be a little less of a factor as they started to jab through her gums like little assholes. He couldn’t have been more wrong as he held a screaming, nearly red in the face, drool saturated little redhead as he desperately dug through the freezer looking for the last set of gel rings that Scully had put away the night before. He slid his hand along the door cup and pulled the only one that was cooperating with his grip out, wiggling it toward her as she cried against his chest, gnawing at his wet with tears and drool shirt. She was less than pleased with his slow response time and the viscous, overly warm drool pouring out of her was only making her mood worse as she flailed both arms desperately toward the cold air coming from the freezer.

                “I know, I know, I know, you’re really mad at me right now,” Mulder eased the frozen ring along her gums until the wailing subsided gently. “There we go…That’s my girl.”

                The living room was in absolute shambles, as predicted it would be, and the sound of “Come a little bit closer” by Jay and the Americans was playing on the turntable in the corner, just loud enough that the beat was fully distracting the grumpy and pain inflicted infant in his arms. He carried her into the room, doing a little spin until he heard another snot, spit, and drool filled giggle against the ring and his shirt, which earned the biggest of grins from him as he looked down at her cute, bright pink cheeks as she looked up at him. He wiggled his eyebrows at her and wiggled his hips, giving her a gentle shake until the laughter was a little louder behind the teething ring, soothing away the irritation with his best “Daddy is an idiot” dance. It seemed to be doing the trick as he did another little twirl toward the window, carefully avoiding the land mine of toys that were strewn about on the floor.

                Mulder stopped at the window and looked outside at the little bits of snow still left over the decking from the updraft of wind that had carried it toward the swing and snorted at the loud squeal from Katie as she saw a pretty, gray cat lapping at a puddle near the edge. She certainly was an observant little thing but she spotted that cat the moment Mulder stood still enough to be aware of it. He held her against the curve of his arm a little better and rocked her softly while pulling the curtains open so she could see it better as he turned his head toward them while her squealing became a series of grunts and cooing while she squeezed Mulder’s finger.

                “Well, look at that…and Mommy says we don’t have a cat…pfft…looks like we have a cat,” Mulder kissed the top of her head.

 

 

11:00 AM

 

                Scully pulled back into the driveway and exhaled loudly as she pulled the grocery bags from the back of the SUV before carrying them up the steps. She looked a little worse for the wear as she reached for the door, making a face as she heard the rather loud music coming from inside. She opened the door as gracefully as she could with her hands full and stepped into their modest, in desperate need of another coat of paint, little home just in time to hear “Shout” coming from the living room. Scully set the groceries on the table and came around the corner in time to see Mulder, clad in a bedsheet toga, with Katie in his arms, dancing to the matching scene from _Animal House_. She looked over at the table behind the couch and spotted the Polaroid camera sitting next to the photos of family in a line. Scully picked it up and held it with it aimed at them as he had his back turned, the sweetest of giggles from her baby girl nearly inciting laughter from herself as she readied the camera between her fingers.

                “Mulder, say cheese,” Scully waited until he had spun completely around with Katie before she pushed the red button and set the flash mechanism going as the photo came spitting out of the camera.

                “Hey, you just violated rule number three…no photographic evidence, Scully,” Mulder’s eyes widened as he watched her shaking the picture back and forth while he stood in the toga with Katie still cheese grinning in his arms. “Mommy is trying to embarrass us.”

                “Rule number three is for upstairs only, not downstairs,” Scully took a peek at the developing photograph and then looked at Mulder, her eyebrow elevating. “Are you wearing pants?”

                “Wait, so, are you saying that you’re game for downstairs photographic evidence?” Mulder was blushing as he held his daughter in his arms, the edge of his basketball shorts hanging out from underneath of the sheet. “Mommy came back from the store in an awfully good mood, punkin.”

                “Looks like I don’t need really need to ask, Mister Toga, but, how are _you_ feeling today?” Scully came up to him, sans the camera, and wrapped her arms around him, giving his butt a fairly firm, yet playful squeeze before kissing him quick.

                The sweet little lip lock didn’t get to last long as Katie was tugging eagerly at Scully’s shirt, giving her a not so subtle hint that she was both hungry and tired as she whined and gummed at Scully’s exposed skin from the little bit of cleavage that was showing. There would be time for finishing where that conversation seemed to have been going, they both were certain, but the life in their arms held precedence in spite of the playful awakening that had just begun. Mulder’s lips drifted to Scully’s forehead as they carefully exchanged Katie from his arms to hers, exposing the sheer volume of drool that she had been dripping as he saw the line across the white bedsheet. Scully didn’t waste time in getting Katie straight to nursing, wincing just enough as the cutting tooth was making its presence felt against her while Mulder wiped a few stray strands of hair out of Scully’s face, returning her expression to that soft, contented smile she had earlier.

                “I never imagined that I’d be this okay being drooled on, again,” Mulder smirked as he started picking up Katie’s toys and stuffed animals, meeting her gaze as she leaned against the armrest of the easy chair.

                Scully chuckled and rubbed the center of Katie’s back while she rocked her, looking over in Mulder’s direction. “You’ve been ok with a lot of things from her—and I’m so glad that you are. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here.”

                “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Scully,” Mulder laid a couple of sweet kisses along her hairline and rubbed the back of her neck as he lingered there. “Maybe later, when this one is asleep, we could revisit that whole downstairs no rule number three?”

                “Mulder,” Scully smirked and looked up at him, “I’ll think about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick references – “Shout” by Otis Day and the Knights  
> Animal House – If you couldn’t picture Mulder in a Toga before, this should’ve helped.


	3. Litost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Litost” – Czek term meaning ‘a state of agony and torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery’. Mulder confronts Scully after their unfinished discussion regarding Philadelphia—pushing her to actually reveal what happened the night she went home with Ed Jerse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. “I love you, please don’t go.”  
> 85\. “Don’t lie to me.”  
> 97\. “It’s not that easy.”
> 
> Angst/Fluff Prompt from Monika – I hope this one goes over well considering the controversy that this episode seems to inspire.

 

_What have I done?_   
_With my heart on the floor_   
_I must be out of my mind_   
_To come back begging for more_   
_But if you stay_   
_If you just stay for the night_   
_Swear that I'm yours_   
_And I'll prove that I'm right_

-X Ambassadors

 

 

12:45 AM

Scully’s Apartment

               

                Scully stood in the mirror, blinking slowly at the right side of her face that still resembled road rash above her eyebrow and along her cheek, the bruising starting to deepen along in the darker spots. She stared at the puffy spots along her waterline, the redness developing on her sclera in a pattern like shattered glass. Her physical appearance was worse than when she went into the office but felt as bad as she did when she left, where the crying started behind the wheel and hadn’t stopped until minutes ago. Her thoughts were centered on the argument with Mulder about her choice to go to Philadelphia alone, setting off a chain reaction that led to being face to face with the overprotective partner that didn’t seem to think she was capable of doing anything without him attached at her hip. She would’ve liked to have said that he wasn’t right but the gentle throbbing along her cheekbone was more than enough of a reminder that there was just cause for his concern as she realized how hollow and pointless it all seemed that she had decided to go headlong without him, out of stubbornness.

                She was shutting him out and putting another wall between them, to keep her feelings safely away from his overly aware, heightened profiling skills that impressed and irritated her in the same breath.

_I can’t. Not now. Not tonight._

                It was festering, in her veins, and it had become part of the growing number of things left unsaid as she looked down at the three drops of blood in the sink and the partially saturated hand towel in her hand, the anger brewing as the realization surged through her that no one knew. She was guarding it; as if it would miraculously disappear if she simply kept it to herself. Scully sighed at the preposterousness of her own bullheadedness as she turned the hot water on, vigorously wiping away her own blood, soaking the towel in the process to rinse it as clean as it would allow.

                The three, solitary yet moderately loud knocks at the door had her spinning at the sink, the small of her back thumping against the front of it with enough exertion that she let out a low grunt and knocked her toothbrush, toothpaste, and soap dispenser into the basin. She winced, gripped the edge of the sink and felt the vomit rising in her belly as she glanced toward the doorway, finding herself a little petrified to even move from the spot. Scully knew who it was and wasn’t ready to face him, in so many words, nor did she want him to look at her when it was blatant that the majority of her night had been spent cradling the same glass of cheap, dry Merlot, a box of tissues, and the remnants of chocolates from her mother. She had been keeping so more than the sickness from him and it had her reeling, ready to hide from him. She reached back and turned the water off, instinctively wiping her eyes as she tossed the hand towel across the rack.

                “Hang on…I’m coming…” Scully couldn’t keep being afraid of talking to him, even if she didn’t plan on telling him more than what she wanted to, as she left the bathroom, crossed the kitchen, and unlocked the bolt and chain.

                She took another deep breath and twisted the handle, while her knees buckled in spite of herself as she felt the resistance give as the door opened.

                “Scully, I just want to talk,” Mulder looked like he had been driven over by a truck as he stared at her feet, reticent to look her in the eye as he stood in her doorway. “Can I come in?”

                Scully nodded and kept a distance from him as he walked into her kitchen, in the dark, and closed the door gently behind him. “Maybe the caveat should be that you are allowed to come in if you’re not here to lay into me again like I’m a child instead of your partner since that seems to be the pattern for you as of late.”

                Mulder swallowed hard and finally made eye contact, his stare burning a hole through her and prompting her to put another couple of feet of distance between them as she backed against a chair. “I said I wouldn’t do it but it kept bothering until I finally just looked at it and looked at it again…I have been pouring over that Jerse case since you left the office, beating myself up over not being there to help you but one detail keeps staring at me, taunting me, putting a bitter taste in my mouth that I just can’t shake. I must be the biggest idiot on the planet and you must have thought it was a fucking riot when you did all of this, didn’t you?”

                “Mulder, please, don’t do this,” Scully was already halfway to tears as she held a hand to the small of her back, grimacing as she stared at the floor, visibly pained. “It’s not that easy…I don’t want to go into this, not now.”

                “I want to see it,” Mulder didn’t want to yell at her but his voice was elevated and his stance was imposing as he encroached on her diminishing personal space, seducing a whine in the process without even touching her. “What? Did you not think something like that would be in the report?”

                “I had it removed already, it isn’t there,” Scully held her breath and crossed her arms, the blood rushing to her face as her cheeks turned bright red and set her neck ablaze as she resisted the urge to cry or deliver one hell of a right hook to his jaw. “Why are you doing this?”

                Mulder’s space invasion knew no bounds as his eyes stayed locked onto hers while his fingers grazed the bruising on her cheek and the solitary tear that had escaped, his right hand against the chair next to her hip, his voice commanding and hypnotic. “Scully, turn around.”

                “Why is it so important to you to see?” Scully would’ve given anything to confess every detail of every little mystery that had been carefully locked away from him that led to her poking holes in the row boat that they had been sitting in, knowing they were dangerously close to capsizing.

                “It’s on you, it’s important,” Mulder’s voice was trembling but his eyes told another story as she could see the fire burning behind those deep, hazel eyes as she became a little lost in them. “Just do it.”

                The white flag had been waved despite how badly she wanted to tell him to go fuck himself as she pushed his hand back and turned around, gripping the top of the chair as she felt the heat of him against her back. It felt like a sick and twisted game that Mulder was playing as she felt the back of her satin pajama top slide up, exposing her entire lower back to the air and his touch in unison, setting off every nerve ending in her body. She wanted to panic and tell him everything in the same breath—but bit down on her bottom lip as she felt the urge only rising, becoming overwhelming. She shuddered and swallowed the groan as the goosebumps sailed up her spine while he pulled a corner of the tape back, pulling on the tiniest hairs in the process. It didn’t last long as she felt the tape go back into place and his hand let go of the material, cutting off the flow of air to her flesh but he stayed in that position, sighing against her neck.

                “I told you it was gone,” Scully inhaled sharply as his breath sent another sizzling jolt down her body, re-invigorating the goosebumps all over again.

                Mulder could’ve knocked her over with a feather with how close his mouth was to her ear as he spoke, intentionally moving the tip of his nose along her skin. “I just wanted to see what regret looked like.”

                “Does this make you feel better? Did you come here to make me feel worse than I already do?” Scully was caught between sadness and indignation as the tears finally rolled down her cheeks while she spun around to look at him as he retreated from being up in her personal space. “Why are you here? Really? Were you discontent with how round one of arguing went back in the office?”

                “I came here because I want you to talk to me without wondering what you might be hiding from me, Scully, and I know that you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve been acting weird for a while and Philadelphia only complicated it, times ten,” Mulder could see her hands shaking and the tears down her face but he held it together, continuing what had been brewing since she got back to the office. “If you can’t be honest with me now, I don’t know if I can ever trust what comes out of your mouth. Your choices don’t just affect you, they affect me as well, whether you give a flying fuck or not.”

                “There’s nothing to tell, Mulder, because _nothing_ fucking happened,” Scully was emphatic and her hands were wringing as she shoved the chair back into place under the table, where it belonged, the thud of wood against wood echoing in the kitchen. “Nothing _happened_.”

                “Don’t lie to me,” Mulder wanted to throttle her as he recalled the reports from Detective Gouveia and Smith of her answering Ed Jerse’s door wearing a man’s shirt, looking more than a little comfortable. “Just stop lying to me.”

                “Stop acting like you’re my Father, or worse, my fucking brother! I’m not going to be raked over the coals any longer because you deemed my actions to be inappropriate,” Scully was seething as she purposely placed herself between him and the door as he started to turn away. “You told me you weren’t going to fixate on that file. You promised me that the moment I left you in the office tonight that you’d put it in the cabinet and leave it alone. You insisted that you’d let me bring everything up on my own time, when I was in a better position to discuss it, not like this…not with my hands tied. You keep revisiting every little thing I do to the point that I’m wondering how long you’ll be holding Philadelphia over my head. You broke your word so you could keep throwing it in my face like some ridiculous big brother with a point to make!”

                “Scully, you acted like I didn’t give a damn about your place in that office before everything happened…then you proceeded to have a one night stand with a psychopath that, in turn, thanked you for a nice night by trying to kill you,” Mulder reached for the door handle, turning his back on her completely. “That’s some fabulous taste in men…on display for your gullible fucking partner, to see. I guess it’s shame on me this time.”

                “You’re fucking absurd,” Scully wanted nothing to do with this discussion but she could finally hear the hurt in his voice as he dropped the bomb on her that he had made his own conclusions about what happened with Jerse. “Mulder…”

                “I’m sorry but it’s pretty obvious that I made a colossal mistake in coming here,” Mulder had the door all of the way open as Scully’s shoulders slumped while he moved further into the hall, away from her. “Just forget it.”

                Scully felt wretched as she followed him into the hallway, tearing her heart out and setting fire to the self-constructed structure around her soul as she called out to him. “I love you, please don’t go.”

                Mulder stopped dead in his tracks and turned around, bridging the gap between them in just a few steps as he stayed in the doorway, eyes seeking more than just answers as the confusion was evident. “I really don’t know how to take that but you have the most God damn odd way of showing it, Scully…if you meant it.”

                “I do mean it—and have for a while,” Scully’s tone softened as she pulled him in by his sleeve and shut the door, locking it all over again, realizing that they had captured the audience of Mrs. Young across the hall, who was standing in her bathrobe getting a first class view of their argument. “You really want to know what happened that night? I was angry with you, you already know that, but you didn’t know that I wasn’t okay for a multitude of reasons that I still haven’t quite gotten a grasp of, to this very second. I was desperate to forget who I was for a moment so I went there with him, drank with him, liked the attention from him, and I went home with _him_.”

                “Wait, no, Scully, on second thought, I don’t know if I’m ready to hear this,” Mulder’s stomach was rolling as he backed into her counter, nearly knocking over her coffee cup from earlier.

                “Let me finish before I turn into a big baby and hide it away all over again…it isn’t what you think it is,” Scully put a finger to his lips and looked up at him, tears still glistening down her cheeks, her voice meek, almost embarrassed as she recollected that night in Jerse’s apartment, even though she tried to forget it. “I tried to let go, forget myself for a night, and just allow it to happen but the moment that I was there, face-to-face with the choice to proceed…I closed my eyes and all I could see was you. All I wanted, was you. I put a stop to it out of a courtesy to the beating heart in my chest.”

                “Wait…are you saying you didn’t sleep with Jerse? The report mentioned the shirt you were wearing the next morning…and used the words ‘men’s shirt’ to describe it,” Mulder was pink in an instant as his voice croaked, the tenor peaking just a little as he coughed to clear it. “…Am I understanding that correctly, Scully?”

                “You know, you really are an idiot when you’re angry, Mulder,” Scully palmed her face with both hands, wiping away the remnants of tears as she looked up at him. “The one person that I wanted putting their hands on me wasn’t there—I couldn’t go through with it. I told him I didn’t feel well and was tired, so it ended and we slept in separate rooms. He was polite enough at that point to let me borrow a shirt to sleep in, but nothing came off in front of him and I kept it that way, for good reason.”

                “There are better ways of getting my attention, Scully,” Mulder tilted his head to the side and watched her backside bump against the chair again as she seemed a little off kilter despite having more than a little bit of the control in the situation. “Hell, there are better ways of getting me angry…”

                “I don’t know if better is the word that you’re looking for,” Scully’s eyes widened as she watched him inching closer, a certain boyish look in his eyes as she watched the remaining vexation was becoming something else entirely. “Maybe you mean less messy? Less difficult to explain without sounding completely moronic?”

                “Still entails that there were better ways of doing things,” Mulder had her maneuvering backwards, nervously laughing at his response as she was almost all of the way into the living room. “Unless you want to argue some more.”

                “No, no I don’t think so,” Scully shook her head and finally met the back of the couch, chewing on the inside of her lip for a moment as she was visibly anxious while he narrowed the space between them. “That look on your face…what are you up to, Mulder…”

                “Am I making you uncomfortable, Scully?” Mulder tugged her forward by the elastic and drawstring waistband of her pajama bottoms, sliding his hands around her hips until he could hear her gasp audibly and feel his own knee slip between hers. “I would’ve liked to hear you say you love me under different circumstances, for a better reason, without tears in your eyes that were put there out of sadness. It might not be the moment you envisioned but I’m here and if you still want these hands on you…I’d like to.”

                “I’m very curious about that expression you have,” Scully was keenly aware of Mulder’s knee between hers as she arched high onto her toes, tilting his chin down until she was able to graze his lips with her own, teasing him to the point he let out a low groan. “You’re breathing awfully hard there, Mulder, are you okay?”

                “Define okay,” Mulder’s head was spinning over the blatant torment that Scully was inflicting as he gripped her thighs, lifting her off of the floor and onto the back of the couch, guiding her knees around his hips to a point that he could pull her closer, negotiating her arms around his neck, returning the same tease to her mouth. “Driving me God damn crazy in your mother fucking purple satin pajamas, please tell me you’re wearing underwear.”

                “If you stay, I might let you find out,” Scully couldn’t have been clearer with that invitation or the action that followed as she slid her fingers through his hair and bit down on the tip of her tongue, eyes staring up at him as she tugged him closer with her legs. “Will you stay?”

                Mulder contemplated the question and the implications for only a moment as his fingers played against the delicate, soft material of her pajama top, realizing they’d been playing a drawn out game of hide and seek with their feelings for an awfully long time and she had made the momentous, brave step to say it—but he hadn’t said it back. He held his breath as her yearning only illuminated his own within his gut as he thumbed over her lips, dragging them slightly apart as his index glided along her chin while her eyes lulled to a close. Mulder knew if he met her in the middle, finished holding up that white flag with her and waved it wildly, that he couldn’t go back to looking at her like the Scully that simply mystified him but instead the one that had conquered his heart without actually seeking it out, without realizing how hard he had fallen.

                “Scully, if I stay, I can’t go back to the way it was. This can’t be a one night experiment that we forget about, even if something goes wrong,” Mulder laid a quick kiss along her bottom lip where his thumb had just occupied, inveigling a gasp from her as she tried to equalize it. “I am and have been more than a little in love with you for a very long time…and always will be.”

                Scully’s eyes opened and her gaze met his, her heart thunderous in her chest like the sky had just cried out for him in hopeless refrain. There was so much left to be said as she thought about the blood in the sink all over again but she held her breath for a moment as she saw love in those eyes looking down at her and knew it could wait for tonight. She teetered on the back of the couch, moving forward just enough to feel his warmth radiating against her chest as she held her hand to his cheek, caressing  in a half circle, unburdening some of her own woes as she scooted forward, tilting up to his half trembling lips as their eyes closed in unison. Scully tested his boundaries as she thumbed his bottom lip down until there was barely enough of a spot for her tongue to slide across his teeth, meeting little resistance as he let her in and inhaled her breath. Mulder’s hands sought out leverage and more contact as they gathered her higher, pulling her off of the couch via her backside, stimulating a low moan that reverberated into his mouth.

                 Scully separated her mouth with a resounding pop and a gasp that had Mulder staring at her closed eyes as she breathed heavily, recovering that gaze as she slowly blinked. “Stay.”

                The word echoed in Mulder’s bones as he felt the last of his trepidations fall like the last rain from the sky as he carried Scully in the direction of the subtle glow of more than just her bedroom—but to knowing they’d never again have to look back in regret.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote by X - Ambassadors
> 
> "Litost" by X Ambassadors is an amazing song - you should really go listen to it


	4. Ad Infinitum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 42\. “You’re always on my mind.” - For Minuete
> 
> I hate taking too long and this one not only got away from me but slapped me upside the head a few times…I hope that it isn’t lost in translation as a result. 
> 
> (Post "Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati") What would have happened if Mulder would have asked Scully to come back when she walked away outside his door? Would fate knock a little early?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Ad Infinitum” is Latin for “to infinity” or “forevermore” – Eternal Recurrence is the Nietzsche’s concept that with the infinite time and a finite number of events, events will recur again and again infinitely (over and over), in recurrence.

 

 

_If loving you_

_Kills me tonight…_

_Then I was ready_

_For death the_

_Moment you_

_Said hello…_

-R.M. Drake

 

 

_“And you are mine…”_

 

                Affirmation leaned toward confirmation as confusion laced with buried sadness finally met the kind and caring hand of comfort as Scully’s lips met the space below the white, mesh bandaging against Mulder’s forehead. They were so much more than words or actions as her fingers lingered against his skin, leaving traces of her muted lip balm on him like she had marked him, silently and invisibly in spite of how easy it would’ve been to make it painfully obvious to the rest of the world. Breaths collided as she replaced his Yankees cap softly on the top of his head, inviting a tender smile from his lips as their eyes met once more. Mulder felt her strength blooming beneath a shroud of resistance as his eyes closed, sweetly contemplating her, regarding her thumbs as they passed across his mouth. He listened to her exhale and the taps of her heels as she started to walk away.

                _Not this time, Scully, I need you to come back to me._

Mulder’s mind was still agonizing over the dreams, the sequences of events that had been playing out in his brain for days while she searched for the answers in a desperate attempt to save him.

                “Hey, Scully,” Mulder called out to her as she was nearly to the elevator and watched her come to a stuttered, half-startled stop that sent a chill down the back of his neck.

He hadn’t looked over at her as the slow, methodical spinning in her heels had him feeling every little beat of his own heart all the way into his ears as he tilted his head in her direction.

                Scully’s tears along the curve of her nose were fresh as she feverishly wiped them and sniffed hard, both eyebrows lifting as she made eye contact from the end of the hall. “Are you okay?”

                “You can blame being late on me this time,” Mulder gestured to the doorway with his hand and his head, biting down on the corner of his lip as he realized how that must’ve sounded leaving his mouth at a time like this. “I’ll be fine but I think I just want to sit, in the quiet, with you for a while?”

                Scully’s heels against the floor coming back to him had a rhythm all of their own that made him swallow hard as he followed her petite stature from her toes to her eyes, inhaling a necessary breath as he realized that she had caught him looking. She moved past him in the doorway, eyes lingering up at him a little longer than necessary as her fingertips brushed against his. They hadn’t intended on making it awkward but it was, in fact, becoming just that as she moved into the unusually bright space of Mulder’s apartment, her back to the door. The gentle clicking of the latch sliding into place had Scully’s head on a swivel, turning only to meet the already waiting gaze of the man with something buried in those hazel eyes.

                It wasn’t as though there wasn’t a fair amount waiting deep within her own, in all fairness; she was just doing a better job of hiding it than he was.

                “You have that look in your eyes, Mulder,” Scully had to break the eye contact and the silence as she crossed the room first, seeking comfort in the blanket that already had been bathed in his scent as she slid down on the couch and pulled it onto her lap. “I know you and sitting here in silence isn’t your strong suit, especially when you keep staring at me the way that you are.”

                Mulder hadn’t quite found the urge to move just yet but was content just in taking in the sight of her, surprised at just how much he needed her to be there, wanted her to stay. “I’m just taking a lot of comfort in seeing your mouth actually move when I can hear your words.”

                “I don’t understand,” Scully furrowed her brow, looking up at him as he swayed near the door, his hat still on, the bandage peeking out beneath. “You’re not making any sense, Mulder.”

                “It sounded better when I was thinking it,” Mulder was reticent to move but he bridged the gap and sat down, staring at the pattern on the blanket across her lap, wincing as he removed his cap. “I spent too long only being able to hear every word in my head, but couldn’t see mouths moving, mine refused to move. Trapped in my own body…trapped upstairs. That’s not a place I really wanted to be stuck for eternity, Scully.”

                “I know you’re trying to be funny to lighten the mood but I don’t know if I can fully describe to you how lost I was when I was searching for answers,” Scully folded her hands in her lap, gathering a section of the blanket simply out of nervousness as she stared at the colors as they moved. “Watching you on the monitor when you were losing grip with reality…hearing my name come out of your mouth like that and then seeing you take a turn for the worse. I don’t like being helpless when it concerns you.”

                “You were never really helpless, Scully, I hope you know that now,” Mulder let his fingers graze the top of her hand, drawing her attention fully as he cleared his throat. “I heard your voice above everyone else’s and I didn’t really know what it meant until I saw you in that endless loop of a dream when everyone fed me nothing but things that I’ve always thought I —the only one that didn’t lie to me.”

                “Mulder,” Scully closed her eyes and felt the raw, brutal stirring in her soul as she sucked another deep breath in before making eye contact with him again. “I had started to face a reality that you might be gone for good this time and that thought alone of just how close I came to that fact has kept me awake at night since I found you.”

                “You can’t get rid of me that easily, Scully,” Mulder had a wisecrack hiding up his sleeve in spite of knowing just how poor the timing might’ve been as she buried her face in her palms and leaned against her elbows.

                “You know that’s not funny,” Scully sighed into her hands and pushed her elbows onto her knees, breathing deeply against the space where wrist met palm. “I felt the strength and passion you exude when you run blindly into the darkness to discover answers—all of it to bring you back from what was taking you away from me. There was a time in my life when I wouldn’t have even fathomed doing that for anyone but I’d do it for you, without hesitation.”

                “I felt every bit of it, Scully,” Mulder didn’t like not being able to see her eyes and know exactly where she stood emotionally but he kept going without fully knowing the reach of his words. “You have always been the one to be admired when it came to the conviction, whether it was in science or in family, or in the longshot of God…but I experienced the reaches of your faith the moment I could hear your thoughts while you weren’t even speaking.”

                Scully turned her head, looking at him through the gaps in her fingers, her eyebrows elevated as she exhaled audibly. “I certainly hope you couldn’t hear every thought…not all of them had the best of intentions for the people who alleged that they were searching for the best way to treat you.”

                “I don’t know that I’ve ever taken that much of a look at my own life from the outside like I did when I could hear you like that,” Mulder fidgeted and slid to a standing position, leaning against the edge of his desk, blocking the light from nearly blinding Scully. “I wouldn’t have guessed that I was held in that high regard by anyone in my life.”

                “It must say a lot about me that it took you nearly dying for you to find out how I feel—and even knowing that you really weren’t supposed to know at all,” Scully swallowed hard and brushed the hair out of her face as she looked up at him, her cheeks flushed.

                “To find out what exactly, Scully?” Mulder saw the pain in her eyes mingling with another emotion that he hadn’t seen gracing her face in such a long time.

                “You’re really going to make me say it out loud just so you can hear it,” Scully’s voice went soft as she looked down at the floor, fixating at the pattern in the wood, gathering the last of her gumption. “You’re always on my mind.”

                “Was that really so difficult?” Mulder pressed his fingers along the finished top of his desk and felt the coolness against his skin as he glanced at her while she melted against the back of the couch, crossing her legs as though she were nervous. “Or were you just going to go on pretending like today was just another day…one like any other?”

                “I’ve gotten really good at pretending not to be consumed by you, Mulder,” Scully knew she was dead but the image of Diana looming over them had bloomed into a plague of locusts, a cloud ready to devour what remained of her already aching heart. “I knew where I stood and it always felt like it was behind you, never beside you…not like she was.”

                The words stung like a firm slap to the face but not because of any basis in truth as he nearly bit a hole through his bottom lip and stiffened his jaw, gathering his bearings. Scully wiped an errant tear, shook her head and stood, searched his face for any semblance of movement but only witnessed the flaring of his nostrils as he closed his eyes. Mulder didn’t know how to tiptoe around the subject but he also felt more on the topic than his lips were currently willing to divulge as the woman with the open heart began to stare at him in disbelief. Two steps forward, four steps back, dance around each other and pretend. It was a mutually shared thought for an unspoken fear that lingered in the air of what would exist if the ‘what if’ became ‘just be’. This was their version of ‘ad infinitum’ even if they hadn’t meant it to be.

                “I think you should rest today, Mulder, I need to get going, I’ve got things to do,” Scully wanted to forget the entire exchange and flee as she took another step toward the door while Mulder sucked a breath into his lungs.

                “Scully, don’t let this day be any other day,” Mulder had already spent more than enough time taming his demons as he felt the bitter, salty sting of tears along his waterline. “If you walk out on me now, it’s just another day.”

                Scully turned around and fought the urge to scream at him as she planted her feet and squeezed a fist to pull back the tears. “Give me one good reason not to just go back to putting on my happy face and play make-believe every day.”

                “There isn’t a day where you aren’t the first and last person that I think about, Scully,” Mulder had been holding it in as he met her in the archway separating the dining area from his living room, his eyes glassed over from the readied tears as he folded his hands over hers. “I know you think you have to compare yourself but there’s a reason I reached for you—there’s a reason it was always your name I shouted for. It’s always been you.”

                Scully pressed her lips together and blinked another stray tear into fruition, the path of which led along the curve of her cheek as she looked up at him. “How are you standing here making it seem like it’s so easy?”

                “It isn’t easy, Scully, and it isn’t supposed to be,” Mulder wiped the tear before it met the edge of her jaw, allowing his fingers to linger against her cheek, caressing that spot until her eyes softened. “I don’t want to continue walking into every room each day wondering if today is the day you’re putting on a mask in front of me. Full disclosure.”

                Mulder had seen that look on her face once before and had to journey to the end of the earth to get her back but that wasn’t going to be their fate this time as he slipped his fingers along the curve of her collar until he met skin. It was a simple, halfway moronic level reassurance but Mulder didn’t care, not this time. Scully held her breath and stared at the buttons of his shirt as they peeked out along the sides of his tie that still hung untied along his chest, watching him as his chest moved with every breath. Scully had been waiting for another moment like this as she wrapped her arms around him, lacing her fingers together at the middle of his back until the distance had fully eclipsed. It was comforting and once out of reach as Mulder gathered her in an embrace until he felt every last muscle melt against his frame, into his care.

                Until he could hear the soft, melodic sigh leave her lips and reverberate against his chest.

                “Where do we go from here, Mulder?” Scully’s question could’ve been taken in a multitude of ways as Mulder’s lips rested against the top of her head and his fingers gathered along the back of her head.

                Mulder knew that his painkiller would be wearing off soon but he didn’t care as he took the smallest of steps back, tilted her chin and let his mouth find hers for the briefest of moments, almost like an introduction before letting an answer out. “There’s this really amazing diner that serves breakfast all day long—that sounds like a really good start to me.”

                Scully gazed up at him and reached for the end of his tie, pulling it free from his collar in a soft, fluid motion with her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. “Put your hat on, then…you don’t need your tie to go to breakfast.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minuete - I truly hope that you loved it and I apologize if the wait was irritating.
> 
> Quote by:  
> R.M. Drake
> 
> Monika and Cate - if I hadn't shared bits and pieces with you, I might've been even longer in the endeavor. Thanks for giving me the spark again.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave me loves - this one was weird for me to write and I have no idea if I failed or succeeded at any of these -- would love feedback -- :)


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